John Calvin in Love

Here's my belated Valentine's post. A Protestant take on love for a Catholic saint's day.

I'm a trickle down Puritan. While I wasn't made to go to church very much, I wound up solidly versed in the ethos of competency (working for a modest life, not a particularly luxurious one), the repression of vanity (focus on the interior, not externals), and the idea that grace is beyond our control- one works to do good in the world for the sake of doing good, not in expectation of a reward (though wouldn't it be nice...).

I've not given a great deal of thought to the afterlife. I don't believe in brimstone-scented damnation, of that I am certain. Reincarnation is a lovely idea, as is warm comfy nothingness. Cold nothingness seems a bit bleak. If we are talking belief, then hell, I am going to believe that nothingness can be warm and comfy. So if I am- clearly- not thinking a lot about the next life, and my thoughts about my past lives are simple (servant, peasant, serf, menial... ), than logically I must be focusing my Calvinistic lens on my current life.

In case anyone had missed the memo, I'm verging on thirty, am unattached, and I've successfully put a seven-mile moat between myself and most potential suitors. Also, I have put together the beginnings of a thesis on spinsters in America. At a glance these facts might lead one to believe that I am subconsciously averse to partnership, or am deeply deeply confused regarding how to go about finding a mate/helpmeet. Perhaps one has a point.

As I've looked around at partnerships, I've see mediocre ones, craptastic ones, and pretty damned good ones. I have an increasing number of friends pairing off. Life as a single woman on the island has made me realize how much easier this particular lifestyle would be with a good partner. Now that I am starting to think I might just prefer to be partnered, the whole mysterious process has got me thinking in a typically ersatz-Puritan fashion. I am beginning to wonder (idly?) if partnership is a predestined thing, like Calvin's salvation. Some people are going to get the bomb-diggety and some people are just going to bomb- and it is out of your hands as to which category you will fall into.

Doesn't keep a body from trying anyway.

As someone who seeks out isolated living circumstances, and generally pushes against men who would press their advances, it'd stand to reason that I am actively sabotaging my chances for a relationship. Geography and self-protective reserve aside, I actually have spent much of my life trying to become the sort of person I think would make a cracker-jack mate. Misguidedly I might have even become the person I've become in hopes of reward... I endeavor to be generally even-tempered, empathetic, generous of spirit, good-humored, and the type of person who can carry her own weight as much as possible. I am by no means ideal, but I would suspect I am passable.

If working to be a decent human being somehow earned you partnership points, I could theoretically be able to redeem them 'round about now, right? While my eggs are viable?

Here you could insert a tormented Puritan treatise on how despite my best internal efforts, I cannot assume I will be chosen. Oh wait... that's the gist of this post.

I know- I can move off the island, peruse Craig's list, facebook, list on eHarmony, etc... I would have advertised for a mailorder groom, but as my mother pointed out, I haven't been monetarily ambitious enough to afford one (I'd naively thought I wouldn't have to pay- unbridged island off the coast of Maine+ decent woman= sign me up!... right?). Stupid belief in competency is going to ruin my chances at coupling off. Oh well, as long as I have purpose... I can get along well enough 'til I hit the warm comfy nothingness. Secretly I really am hoping death is like an eternal nap in a warm fluffy bed. I could dig that. I love to nap- Puritan work ethic be damned.

And if this last bit is reading as all dark and morbid just know that I am writing this while comfy in bed, and about to go to sleep for the night, so mostly I am just looking forward to bedtime and it is bleeding into this post...