Falling Back

This evening I finally forced myself out of the house to enjoy the dying light of a beautiful day. Too often I feel like I need a purpose, or a destination, if I am to venture out into the wider island. Tonight I quickly made up new book club posters, then repositioned the buttons on my wool coat, and headed out the door to soak in my share of our dwindling solar allotment. A bred-in-the-bone procrastinator and devotee of "magic hour," I tend to leave off fresh air and exercise until the last minute. This tendency has the added benefit that I don't often run into any one. Except for the quiet builder and his gorgeous blonde labradoodle, Molly. They jog during the same liminal time when I am walking.

At any rate, I headed off into the sunset, hitting the major posting places- the town hall, the store. From the ramp of the store I could see Diego and Kaya, the Forest Gump and Jenny of yellow labs running in the road by the post office. On my way back from town I cut up the walkway to the church, it being Sunday and all, and the times being what they are. Another bombshell has hit the community, and it is looking like it is going to be a long, strange, and lonely winter. I have never been inside the church, but every so often I will kneel on the slats before its wide steps, and scatter my thanks, wishes and prayers to the breeze. It is a lovely place, this church, and a balm to the bewildered. It is not fashionable in these times to be a Christian, and I hardly qualify beyond an abiding belief in Grace, but I stumbled my way through the Lord's prayer- twice. If the Catholics get to repeat it over and over as penance, surely a Protestant can run through it a couple of times like it is a new favorite song. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

There is so much in life that can derail a person, a year on the island has shown me that, if ever I had my doubts. By the very fact that I am an outsider, I am generally at a distance from the fault lines that run below the surface- but I feel the rumbling, get the reports, and am sensitive to the aftershocks. The world will set a mind reeling, which is probably why people take to their knees, to catch their balance, to find their breath. Perhaps even just to duck and cover before the next assault.

Did I find what I was looking for, semi-prostrate before the church? I remembered myself- my friends my family; I cast up my confusion and felt a cool and uncharacteristically kind November wind caress my face in return. Well, Virginia? Is there a God?

There is a terrible, beautiful world, and perhaps that is the same thing.

While I was gathering this spiritual wool, the sun winked out behind Kimball's. I certainly have a strong faith that it will show its face tomorrow when we have whipped around to confront another Monday. With that in mind, I got back on my feet, and ambled down the lane to the field, getting quite a start when a deer burst out of the woods behind me, running down toward the main road. This was a deer in flight, and not from me. Coyotes? Poachers? I had just brought my attention back to the leaves and birds that still remain when I heard another ruckus. Swinging my head around, I caught a glimpse of a dainty yellow blur- Kaya; and because he paused to take note of me, I fully registered Diego. Diego is a particular friend of mine (which is to say I adore him, and he likes everyone), so I gently clapped and entreated him to come closer for a good head rub. I could see the conflict written on his open doggy face, but he was not long in making his decision. He loves chasing deer, he loves Kaya. I was lucky that he stopped to acknowledge me.

You can't win them all. I still had the field, the lane, the gloaming. And now, here, a room of my own. The upshot of this walk, with its palindromic emphasis on god and dog? Maybe it is time to visit the Humane Society. I always had a little dream about living on the coast, maybe have a dog to keep me company. Janey is not one for companionable walks. But then, she is not really one for dogs either. Just a thought.