Important enough to be lodged at Grinnell House:I seldom got the lead role; the cute guy just wasn't that into me; I'm not the girl who wins the door prize. This is good training for life. I did not get the Wall Award- but the journey was worth it, and I am smart enough (well-schooled enough in classic Rolling Stones) to appreciate that. I didn't get what I want. Now I just need to figure out what I need.
And I am at a loss.
I am good at diving into things, immersing myself in a project, a lifestyle. What I am not good at is divining a clear and steady path that would lead to a career (and the living wage the word generally implies). Ever a gypsy, a dilettante. This gets tiresome, cause I am kind of a homey type: content to putter, to marry my high school sweetheart (Downeast Maine, for those who were wondering). Of course I would fall in love with a place where there is next to no economic opportunity.
Since the fall I have been determined to stay on the island- with the possibility of the award ahead of me, this seemed reasonable. I fell into the assumption that somehow I would make it work. The award would come through (sun's gotta shine on a dog's ass someday, right?), and I would have a year coming into my own- building, creating, making progress. That I would be around to help orient a new fellow if we get one; to enjoy the sweet serenity of autumn; to direct my third Christmas show. I would stay a part of the fabric of the island- lending a hand into perpetuity. The end of my fellowship would not bring the stress, terror and heartbreak of actually leaving the island.
God, it was a good dream. And I am glad I got to dream it. I am glad I worked as hard as I did, and thankful got as far as I did.
But I only want to stay if I can be useful. As self-sufficient as is reasonably possible.
Please, please, please, let me find an open window. I am nimble at scampering through them, it's just a matter of locating one. And here I guess, we are coming to a certain test of faith and commitment. Welcome to 29, kiddo.
2 comments:
Hey, dahlin' 30 is a new decade, and take it from someone whose been through twice as many of them as you... you never know where you will be at the end of the next one.
I do know that we have a tremendous resource here and with some creative and logical (the part I sometimes have trouble with) thinking we should be able to come up with a solution that makes everyone happy... technology? revealing the treasures of the Maine coast through written and pictorial word to those who can't actually make it here? I don't know - you think about it... sorry about the award, you certainly deserved it!
Boo on them! But, you have some brilliant minds (including your own) up there to come up with a next step for you! I don't get why G-town College didn't give you the award... what got into them?!
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